I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
