We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
