i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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