new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
