people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
