someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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