We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
