I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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