Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
