i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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