Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
