gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
