Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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