I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
