I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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