My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
