Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
