This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize