my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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