A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
