I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
