I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
