That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
