just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
