You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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