Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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