they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize