just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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