I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize