but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
