If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
