Got a toothbrush?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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