Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
