Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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