I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize