you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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