Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
