there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize
