I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
