Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize