he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
