party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
