Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
