Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
