I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
