Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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