Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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