It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
