perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
