My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
