One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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