OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
