I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
