What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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