I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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