Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
