I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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