I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
