walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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