Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
