there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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